By Melissa Westphal

Rockford Register Star

We've said goodbye to the days of mom, dad and a household with 2.5 children.

Two recent national studies say more women are living without a spouse than ever before, and married couples with children are no longer the norm.

In Winnebago County, 55.7 percent of residents are married, and about a quarter of all households have married couples with children younger than 18.

The trends come with warnings from marriage supporters like Allan Carlson of the Howard Center for Family, Religion & Society. Carlson believes being raised by married parents is necessary for children to become productive members of society, and it's dangerous for people to be so indifferent about tying the knot.

But local single women say they're happy, focusing on their careers and enjoying hobbies and nights out with friends. They're holding out for the right guy, refusing to marry just to marry or rush into remarriage after a divorce.

And couples, like Shelly and Brian Smith of Rockford, are content being married without children.

The changing family

Winnebago County's marriage numbers are slightly higher than state and national averages. But Joel Cowen, assistant dean of Health Systems Research at the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Rockford, said local and national numbers support the trend of an overall change in family structure.

In 1960, for instance, 75 percent of Winnebago County residents were married.

Today's figures can be misleading because the census counts marriage numbers for people 15 and older. The average age nationally for a women's first marriage is 25.1; 30 years ago, that age was more like 20.

Cowen noted that single women are choosing to stay single longer and that women live an average of six to seven years longer than men, so widowed women account for the higher statistic of women living without spouses.

Those elderly women also are choosing to live alone more, rather than moving in with children or other relatives after their spouse's death.

"The whole structure of a nuclear family has changed," Cowen said.

Cause for concern?

Recent marriage trends worry family advocates such as Carlson, president of the Howard Center.

He said 40 years ago, there was a culture of marriage.

"Marriage was something you were supposed to do," Carlson said. "That message came from a person's peers and parents. Our culture doesn't do that anymore."

Today's young people see negative effects attached to marriage, Carlson said. They saw their parents divorcing at higher rates than before, partly because of no-fault divorce laws, and some consider marriage a financial burden because of laws like the marriage penalty in the federal income tax code.

Carlson studies cohabitation, which he calls "marriage light," in his book, "Conjugal America: On the Public Purpose of Marriage." He said more couples are choosing to live together without getting married, thereby avoiding some of the burdens.

Men and women have achieved more equality in their careers, meaning there's no economic gain to marriage, Carlson also noted. On the other hand, Carlson says he has talked to women who say they want to get married but can't find a mate.

Carlson said something needs to spark the recovery of marriage as an institution, be that a religious renewal or a major social shift (consider the "baby boom" after WWII). He said it's dangerous for people not to care about marriage.

"Marriage is absolutely a necessity for a free society to survive," Carlson said. "A stable marriage gives children the best opportunity to grow up to become productive citizens."

Kei Nomaguchi, an assistant sociology professor at Northern Illinois University, said couples today do take marriage seriously. And that's why they're delaying the commitment -- most of the time to make sure they're financially stable first.

"It takes a longer time for young people to establish themselves economically," Nomaguchi said. "After they graduate college, many of them have debt, credit card debt and student loan debt."

Nomaguchi noted that previous generations thought it was OK to struggle financially at first after marriage. Those standards have changed today.

"Before, marriage was a starting point for a couple to establish their own family, but today, marriage is kind of an end point," she said.

Nomaguchi said cohabitation continues to be a trend. She said most of her students consider living together before marriage one stage, or the first step, for family formation.

"For them, it's a steppingstone, definitely very popular in the life stages," she said.

Cohabitating couples are more likely to break up than married couples, potentially exposing children in the home to more instability. Those breakups also can be traced to couples having a lack of economic resources, Nomaguchi said.